I found that the more lopsided the division of labor, the higher women’s resentment peaks. Jealous of our partner’s time to pursue happiness. When our partners engage in while we’re stuck making multiple school lunches at 10 p.m., we feel treated unfairly. Sounds counter-intuitive, right? But what I discovered is that when there is perceived unfairness or unclear expectations in the household division of labor, we resent our partners for engaging in activities that make them happy. It’s important to me, but my wife hates me for it.”Īha! What became clear to me the more I dug into the Happiness Trio is that, over time and especially after kids, the very things that make us the happiest are what our partners resent most about us. “I want to make time to run every weekend. Local theater has always been my creative outlet, but the reality is that I’m going to have to wait until the kids are older to return to the stage.”Ĭonversely, a sentiment expressed by many of the breadwinner/husbands I interviewed went something like this: “I worked sixty hours in the office this week and on Saturday, my wife wants me to work ‘extra’ and watch the kids for 2 hours so she can get a foot massage? When do I get my down time?” “There is just no way my husband would be cool with me leaving him on the weekend for play rehearsals. “On our first date I remember my husband asked me ‘what do you do for fun?’ I haven’t heard that question again in 15 years.” “We’ve all heard the phrase ‘marriage is work.’ More aptly, marriage feels like all work. Of course, my husband found time to golf this weekend.” Even when I schedule ‘me-time’ I rarely get to it. Some of my favorite responses: “I know I should do more for myself, but I’m already taking care of a house, the kids, and an endless list of mental chores. When I asked the same data set if, or why, they weren’t already making time for adult friendships, self-care, and activities that stoke their passion, both men and women pointed to their partners (or the invisible work left to them by their partners, which often goes unseen and unrecognized by our partners) as their reason for disengaging from these activities. On my way home to the west coast later that day, I began posing this very question to men and women-some of them sourced online, others in person at the airport, in the Lyft line, on the playground, and at morning drop-off.Įngaging in at least one of the three is how my interviewees would prefer to spend their ‘free’ time, assuming they have any. As I drained my coffee mug and readied to leave Marie’s kitchen in the midst of their heated exchange, I wondered if the issue of “free time” was a factor to be considered. I had talked to 500 couples all over the country and even abroad in an effort to uncover the root of discontent within our marriages, whatever the family configuration or income group. While Marie is a friend, she’d also agreed to be one of my early interview subjects for the book I was writing on domestic inequality with a focus on invisible work. Captive in White Plains, I began to wonder if there was something deeper at play between Marie and Dave that my research for Fair Play had missed. “Well, I’m not missing my morning run because you want to sleep off your hangover.”īack and forth the resentment sparks flew as I slunk down in my seat. “It was my best friend’s 40th birthday,” Marie shot back. Did you mention that you were out until two this morning with your girlfriends?” He waved a courtesy “morning” and as he filled up his water bottle at the sink, Marie leaned in and whispered, “He’s training for a marathon and Sunday mornings are his ‘long runs,’” she punctuated with an eye roll, “meaning I’ll be left alone with the kids all day.”ĭave popped out his earbuds, “I heard that. Her husband Dave trotted downstairs and breezed into the kitchen wearing shorts, running shoes, and earbuds. I formulated this question one Sunday morning as I sat with my friend Marie at her family-sized kitchen table in suburban White Plains, New York, swapping stories about raising young kids and growing up in Manhattan. Pop quiz: What would you do for yourself, outside family life, with one free hour in the day? In other words, if you were gifted a 25 th hour, how would you happily spend it? The more lopsided the division of labor at home, the higher women’s resentment peaks-but there is a solution, writes Fair Play's Eve Rodsky. Ingrid Frahm, // Getty Images Over time, and especially after kids, we resent our partners for engaging in activities that make them happy.
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